A Hospital Bed, Leadership, and the Courage to Say “I Don’t Know”
As I sit in this hospital bed (my second admission in less than two weeks) I’ve found myself wrestling with one small word that carries enormous weight:
Why.
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Two weeks ago, I began experiencing concerning symptoms. I brushed them off as anxiety. Life had been stressful: starting a new business, navigating uncertainty, carrying responsibility. A panic attack seemed like a reasonable explanation. Regardless, I scheduled an appointment with my PCP. He agreed. Panic attack felt like a good answer to the why behind my symptoms. That is, until my labs came back.
Several hours later, I received a call: “Head to the ER now.”
My bloodwork showed markers indicating my heart muscle had been under stress or experienced trauma. And here’s a secret: when you walk into the ER with chest pain and labs suggesting heart trauma, you don’t wait long.
For the next 2½ days, test after test searched for the answer to the question:
What happened, and why?
One test confirmed heart trauma. Every other test said my heart looked healthy. And so, I laid there asking, what was happening and why?
Why Matters More Than We Admit
Have you ever thought about that word? Why. Just three letters. But it carries uncertainty. Anxiety. Anticipation. Hope. It is the ache to make the unknown known and make sense of it all.
In healthcare, why carries even more weight. It often carries someone’s future. We rely heavily on our medical providers to answer the question of why. We expect them to. We trust them to.
Yet physicians are human. They are not magicians. They are not mind readers. They are not miracle workers. They are people who chose a profession of service, who studied and trained and sacrificed, to help others solve medical mysteries.
And yet, even knowing that cognitively, I still found myself desperately wanting them to answer what was happening to me and why.
The Hidden Weight Providers Carry
It’s important to pause and acknowledge something we don’t talk about enough: Physicians carry extraordinary psychological pressure.
Research by organizations such as the American Medical Association, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, American Journal of Psychiatry, and more show physicians die by suicide at significantly higher rates than the general population. In the U.S., an estimated 300–400 physicians die by suicide each year. That is roughly the equivalent of an entire medical school class annually. Female physicians also have a higher suicide rate compared to women in the general population.
Why?
- Long hours
- Emotional exhaustion
- Fear of mistakes
- Relentless responsibility
- The pressure to always have answers
When your profession revolves around solving the why, what happens when there isn’t one?
The Human Need to Know Why
Psychological research shows humans are wired for all things to make sense or have a reason. Studies in cognitive psychology suggest that uncertainty increases stress and anxiety, and our brains actively seek explanations to reduce that discomfort. When we don’t get an answer to why, our brains keep searching. Sometimes obsessively.
Closure matters. Understanding matters. Meaning matters.
As I left the hospital after my first admission, I felt discouraged. I was stable, but without answers. Not because my doctors had failed me, but because my mind had no resolution. I wanted to understand what was happening and why.
When “I Don’t Know” Builds More Trust Than an Answer
Here’s where this became a leadership lesson.
During my first admission, I received explanations that felt like grasping at straws. They weren’t malicious. They were attempts to provide reassurance. But they still just didn’t sit right.
And something subtle happened: I lost trust. Not because they didn’t know. But because they gave me an answer that felt incomplete. As if it was a diagnosis to put on paper so I could be discharged.
When uncertainty is masked with overconfidence, trust erodes. I sought a second opinion. The second physician looked me and said, “I don’t know exactly why this is happening. But my gut says there’s more here.” Interestingly, even though he didn’t give me any answers, my trust skyrocketed because he was transparent and still willing to put in the research.
When I was admitted again days later, I requested that physician. His transparency with me built trust and confidence.
Leadership and the Weight of Why
We ask as much of our leaders as we do of our doctors. Those around us look to us to explain the why behind the what.
In leadership:
- Teams want to understand decisions.
- Organizations want clarity in uncertainty.
- People want meaning in change.
- Individuals want to know the “who” behind the “why” behind the “what.”
Not every why is answered immediately, however. Some are revealed in hindsight. Some are protective. Some ultimately remain a mystery.
At the end of the day:
There is always a why behind the what, and a who behind the why. And when we fail to acknowledge the person behind it all, trust is damaged.
What Leaders Can Learn
Whether you lead a hospital unit, a business, a team, or your family, we all can learn from our innate desire to understand why things happen.
1. Practice Transparent Uncertainty
When you genuinely don’t know, say so.
But pair it with:
- What you do know
- What are you doing to find an answer
- What do next steps look like
“I don’t know yet, but here’s what we’re doing.”
That shows your integrity and that you are trustworthy.
It’s also important to note that saying “I don’t know” should never become an excuse or a way to avoid responsibility. When used as a cop-out, it can erode the very trust you’re trying to build. But when you sincerely seek an answer and are unable to find one, saying “I don’t know” demonstrates integrity, humility, diligence, and respect for the other person. Authentic transparency strengthens trust; avoidance disguised as honesty weakens it.
2. Protect Trust Above Ego
Being right is less important than being honest.
If you don’t know, resist the urge to fill the silence with speculation. And if you are speculating, say that you are speculating so they know you are just thinking out loud. Don’t try to disguise it as certainty.
Trust, once lost, is really hard to regain.
3. Lead as a Human
Your humanity is not weakness.
People do not expect perfection. They expect presence, effort, and honesty.
When we allow ourselves to be human, we give others permission to do the same.
4. Create Psychological Safety Around Asking Questions
Encourage your teams to ask why. Not in defiance, but out of curiosity.
Cultures that discourage the ability to ask why create cultures of compliance and conformity.
Cultures that encourage individuals to ask why create ownership and often, the emergence of new leaders.
Final Reflection
As I sit here again, wires attached, monitors humming, I still don’t have all the answers.
But I’ve learned something powerful:
Sometimes the most trustworthy words a leader can share are,
“I don’t know. But I’m here. And we’ll figure this out together.”
And maybe that is the most human answer of all to the question of why.
An Invitation for Clarity & Connection
Leadership isn’t about having all the answers; it’s about having the courage to keep asking the right questions.
If you’re ready to explore how alignment, clarity, and communication can strengthen your leadership and your life, I invite you to book a Clarity & Connection Session.
I would love to partner with you to help you discover what’s next.